Gear Profile | Coffeeboxx by Oxx December 05, 2014 22:00

 

The What

 

If an army of coffee makers marched into battle to caffeinate the hell out of the Terminator, you'd want the CoffeeBoxx to be their General. There are coffee machines, and then there are coffee machines that do not mess around. This is the latter.

 

According to Oxx, the Coffeeboxx is a 'compact, portable, dust-proof, impact-resistant, heavy duty 11lb brewer designed for the harsh outdoors.'

 

The Coffeeboxx was probably conceived by a construction worker who demolishes buildings just by looking at them, then spends the weekend riding his horse all the way back to 180AD Rome where he battles tigers and Russell Crowe and returns to work on Monday with his new pet hammer named 'Gork', taken from the decaying hand of a dead rival gladiator.

 

Why he'd need a hammer is beyond us, but we're not about to question it.

 

 

The What Now ?

 

On the Kickstarter page, the founders parked a Jeep on four of these bad boys. We're going to go ahead and repeat that in case you didn't pass out the first time : A goddamn Jeep.

 

 

 

 

There is probably no other project in any category on Kickstarter that could hold up a vehicle. In fact, if all other Kickstarter projects were evaluated on the basis of their load-bearing capacity, they'd get crushed by the Coffeeboxx - first literally, then figuratively, then literally again.

 

The Oxx company's campaign will probably be superfunded on the strength of this image alone.

 

Anyone who sees it will feel compelled to fork over money to support its genesis in the bowels of Mordor, or else this machine will DRIVE the Jeep, hunt down reluctant contributors and vaporize them in their sleep before serving their remains to the homeless in a cement mug.

 

The Effect on Us

 

Our staff here at Ketalon are tea drinkers. They've had a love affair with tea since before tea was discovered. They continue to extol the benefits of tea to anyone who doesn't bathe in tea every morning. The only time they stop talking about tea is when they're drinking it out of barrels.

 

Roughly three seconds after seeing the Coffeeboxx, these brave tea-vangelists converted to coffee.

Stomach-churning terror can do that to you.

 

When the Coffeeboxx makes you coffee, you drink it. If the Coffeeboxx makes battery acid, you drink it and say thank you. What you don’t do is offend a green demonbox designed to fuel The Hulk.

 

 

The Math

 

The CoffeeBoxx is said to weigh 11lbs, or 5kg. A Jeep weighs nearly two metric tons (2000kg), so each Coffeeboxx is holding up half a ton (500kg) - which means it can support 100 times its own weight. This is also roughly the weight of an ox, so it makes sense that the company's logo is a single ox head.

 

 

 

 

The logo selection process most likely involved the Coffeeboxx becoming self-aware, chasing down an ox, and bringing its head back to the brand team meeting. Everyone voted Yes.

 

 

 

As for our brand team, it was our resident blogger [not named here for sympathetic reasons] who came up with the above calculations, following which he proceeded to wet himself.

 

He has since quit his job and joined a monastery.

 

The Verdict

 

Respect this machine and support its campaign, or it will hunt you down and serve you your last drink.